Insecurity

The Collins English Dictionary defines insecure as:

                       "anxious or afraid; not confident or certain"
......how fitting to a PDA child like Daisy. A perfect description of her perspective on the world.

     I am a very insecure person....one perceived wrong word or action, and off I go down the slippery slope, bumping into jealousy and crashing into mistrust and running headlong into accusation before we all land in a heap of ashamed. But that is NOT the same kind of insecurity that Daisy suffers from. I feel quite, well, ashamed of my petty insecurities when I hold them up for inspection next to hers. They are paltry and inconsequential and really quite pathetic and all stem from damaged trust.

     Hers, on the other hand are real and massive and stem from an inability to understand how the world around her actually works. She is anxious and afraid of almost everything. Me? I get paranoid when the mobile phone doesn't go beep when I think it should. Hardly the same thing at all, is it?

     BUT....my insecurities may hold the key to understanding hers much more than I ever have before. By examining very recent personal feelings (ouch!) I have an inkling of what it must be like for her. That awful sinking feeling, the heart racing a bit too much in a not-very-nice way, the dread and the need to know but without having to ask. It's all there, only in Daisy's case it is horribly magnified.

     I have always tried to forewarn Daisy of upcoming events, but they have to be timed right or she gets hopelessly over-excited and and worries and talks endlessly about it....for DAYS if I get the timing seriously wrong. I have made what I now know to be a huge error in assuming that it's part excitement part apprehension, it isn't; it's out and out fear. Total fear of the unknown and the unpredictable.

     My beautiful, funny crazy Daisy, I owe you a massive apology. I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to actually get inside your head and understand it just a bit. By looking at MY feelings I can finally understand yours. Please forgive me, baby, and rest assured that now I have this understanding I am never letting it go. You mean the absolute world to me and you deserve the best from me.