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Friday, 24 September 2010

Oh....didn't expect that.

Today was meant to be a day of beginnings.....a day that might just have meant that Daisy and I would start to get the help that we both need.

It didn't quite turn out like that.

I guess life never does, does it?

Just when you think that it's all going swimmingly suddenly there's a triangular shape approaching...and it aint a jolly prankster in a wet suit with a fakey fin strapped to his back..... was meant to be the day when 2 social workers were due to visit. 2.30pm to be precise. That was the arrangement made between me and them. Not the result of a malicious anonymous call but the result of 2 interviews with CAMHS at my instigation as I will now fairly freely admit that we need help with some of Daisy's more.......interesting and painful behaviours.

I admit to being very apprehensive about the meeting....previous writings have explained this, but I sought advice as to how to handle the meeting and felt that after 4 hours sleep that I was as ready as I was ever going to be.

2.30pm loomed....2.31.....2.32......2.33.....skip to 2.37 when my mobile phone's a message from one of the social workers telling me that she is outside my house, knocking on the door but I am not home.

Well, you see the thing is Your Honour.....I WAS at home. I was standing in my kitchen at the window watching my bloke walk off up the path at kitchen window is next to the front door. It is impossible NOT to see anyone coming. Yes, I know what you're thinking....I was distracted by the sight of aforementioned bloke and, yes, I agree that watching bloke is infinately preferable to waiting for social workers BUT they would have had to cross my line of vision. They didn't. I have no idea where they went....but they never came here. Nor did I receive any contact from them after the message was left.

Is this what you get when you ask for help? I am beginning to suspect that abusing my child is much more a meatier thing for them to handle than me asking for their help. Let's face it, they couldn't have got here any quicker last time. This time, they couldn't even find their way.....

Well, sorry, but abuse is out of the question...although ironically it's the abuse that I receive that is a major part of asking for the help in the first place. Funny? I almost smiled. But not quite.

So.....yet again I feel left high and dry. Not abandoned.....not quite. Not yet.

Sunday, 12 September 2010

It's all about trust....

Trust is a very dangerous thing.

How's that for an opener????
Not bad, if I say so myself.

But, for me, it's true.

I have the most annoying tendancy to trust completely and utterly at the drop of a hat. Always have, regardless of the problems it has caused me and will probably continue to cause me. It's a design flaw that I see in myself and even more obviously in Daisy. She is so innocently a lamb although hopefully not to the slaughter. She sees only the good in people and has never uttered a cynical comment in her life.

I wrote the above text 10 days ago. I never got round to finishing it....but now I find myself in a situation that almost demands that I carry on and see where I end up.

So.....let's talk about trust. Trust is important to me, I don't believe that trust should be earned. I believe that in order to move through life you should trust first and have it broken later! Probably a wonky way of looking at it, but that is me. Can't change that. Oh, yes, my trust in others is constantly challenged, but I feel that it is better to shake something that is already firmly there than disturb the foundations of a new and wobbly building.

Today my trust in someone was rattled to it's very soul.  As usual my absolute trust is in ruins. I don't know if I can rebuild it, I guess it isn't up to me, it is up to the other person to want to show me that they can be trusted. From the ruins of trust can come greater understanding of how a person works, but the ruins can never be completely will never be good as new, no matter how hard you look for all the pieces there is always a bit missing. It may have gone under the sofa or behind the fridge or just be dust in the air,,,but it is missing. Gone. Forever. It is the element of doubt, that broken trust always leaves behind. So maybe my absolute trust is wrong. Too naive...too simplistic....too childlike.....dare I say it; too autistic?

I expect my trust to be poked every now and again, I think it's healthy and keeps things moving and stops people from stagnating. But this is hard to take, broken trust equals hurt and hurt, well,  it hurts. It's really rather odd, now that I sit here at silly o'clock in the morning, trying (badly) to analyse all this, I am not so bothered about the trust as I am about the hurt. The rawness of the feeling, the way the hurt makes me want to hurt right back at those who have made me feel this way. It inevitably makes me think of Daisy. Her need to cause hurt to those who have impeded her progress, her desperate need to lash out and cause isn't so far removed from how I feel now. The cause is different, but the feelings are the same.

So where does this leave me? Apart from surrounded by trust-dust? Well, it leaves me with a burning desire to protect Daisy from absolute trust, to try and instill in her that people can't always BE trusted, that the element of doubt should be there already. Not be the missing piece of broken trust after the thing has shattered into a thousand pieces. Maybe I am wrong to think this way, maybe I am just still too hurt, but I know how fragile Daisy's emotions are and I know that she wouldn't be able to cope with it any better than I am and I am meant to be the grown-up!

I ran once again to my "Amazing People", and once again I was not turned away. Thank you to one very special (and curvy!) know who you are, for the advice and strength that you passed on to me. You are an inspiration to me.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Case Closed

The very nice Social Worker who came to our house late last week has just called and told me that the case is CLOSED!

I am completely innocent of all allegations laid at my door and the person who tried to interfere with my life has been shown to be a spiteful and immature individual.

I have nothing further to say on the matter.

Thank you to all my friends and family who stood behind me. I appreciate your support.