Search This Blog

Saturday, 21 August 2010

This is Hell....

I am in Hell.

.....Well, my own personal Hell at any rate.
I always thought that Hell would be, oh I don't know....other people's holiday snaps of Brentford or their childs' first smile, which I admit is cute for the first 9 times but is wearing after 85 oh-so-similar-snaps.

Well...I stand corrected. My own personal Hell is my 8 year-olds autism.
The kind of Hell that makes me ROAR at her because she is hitting and hurting and pushing me...the kind of Hell that makes me feel so utterly helpless in the face of an autistic rage....the kind of Hell that finds me wanting to get utterly drunk and return to bad and painful habits that I thought I was recovered from....the kind of Hell that makes me want to curl up under the duvet and never return....the kind of Hell when I look into my beautiful daughters' face and see nothing but pure hatred....the kind of Hell, the WORST kind of Hell, where I can see the one person I love most in the entire world is suffering and I cannot find the right thing to do.

I am not a Godly person....although I admire others' faith, I cannot subscribe to it. I am envious of it, but realise that I am not the kind of person who can believe in an ethereal being who may just be a figment of some fevered imagination.  I need hard proof.

I do not believe for one moment that I was "blessed" by God. I wasn't "chosen" to be Daisy's mother because I am in some vague and smoke-and-mirrors-way the best person for the job. I am Daisy's mother because I gave birth to her. I remember it well! I wasn't picked from billions of people to be the best she can have....I was randomly selected by genetics and given this amazing, crazy beautiful person to look after to the best of my ability.

I currently feel a complete and utter failure. I cannot give her the things she needs, because I don't know what they are.....I cannot even help prevent the meltdowns as I can no longer predict them. She attacked my 75 year old mother yesterday, because I turned off the TV. I have turned off the TV a gazillion times, but this once she goes into full-scale meltdown. She has also attacked me while I was driving the car which was really quite scary....probably don't need to add that bit!

If only I could get her to not be physically abusive.....I can bear being called horrible names, I don't care if the house is trashed, it's all material stuff that means little or nothing at the end of the day, but being bitten and scratched until you bruise and bleed HURTS! I know that it's purely a reactive action to my preventing her from some action or another, but it hurts.....more mentally than physically although it's enough to make me cry with pain.

I am, of course, trying to get help from the "right" people....I have an "emergency" appointment in, erm, 2 weeks with CAMHS but have already been advised by the referring GP that they won't be of much help to us. If not CAMHS - the people "trained" to help me -  then who? I am terrified that this is my life now. My whole life and very being orbiting the planet Autism...drawn in unable to leave. Ever. Stuck there, going round in circles until one of us dies.

I am not being selfish.....I don't want anything other than a little piece of OUR lives that can't be labelled as Hell.

Right now.....we don't have that, and I simply don't know how to make it happen.


  1. wow.. I don't even know what to tell you :(. I wish I did. I can only send you good energy and let you know you are in my thoughts... <3.

  2. Sometimes, MaryKate, that is enough. To know that there is someone "out there", rooting for you even if it is as small a something as "I wonder if Daisy is OK today?" It keeps the awful feelings of abandonment away, just for a second and gives you a tiny bit more confidence to carry on.

    I am discovering on my turbulent journey, that support comes from the most unexpected of places. Who would have thought that a FaceBook game would provide me with support? Dear old Mousehunt, my safety valve and One Big Love is now the provider of people who offer words of support and encouragement. Without you and them, MaryKate, the world would be a whole lot darker.
    Thank you. x