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Saturday, 28 August 2010

It happened; it passed; move on!

I am feeling retrospective today.
I think it's always a good idea to at least glance over the shoulder and see what happened in the last 7 days and glean the good stuff out of it and get rid of the rubbish.

Firstly, I am amazed that I am still actually here. A three-day Autistic melt-down is not something I ever expected to experience and, although it probably goes without saying, never want to experience again. But, it isn't all about me, is it? I was on the receiving end, but what about Daisy? I find it very difficult to try and spend time inside her head, although I do try, but to feel so anxious and scared and frustrated and angry for three whole days? I mean, how does that even happen? I know what the trigger was, but I find it impossible to understand why it triggered in the first place. I cannot dwell on the "Three Days Of Hell", it happened, it has passed and somehow we came out the other side.
I cannot analyse or discuss it with Daisy as she cannot remember very much of those three days so we live by the Golden Rule that "it happened; it passed; move on".

I am suffering the wrath of an ex-partner.....I have been reported to Social Services, I am being sued and various internet allegations made against me are being investigated by the proper authorities. I have sought legal advice and know my position up on the battlements. Battlements are better than cannon fodder, right? So, to my bitter ex-partner I would strongly advise you follow the Golden Rule "it happened; it passed; move on".

My retrospection has also made me realise something about myself that I really didn't know before. I am made of stronger stuff than I knew. I am not cowed by autism, I am not beaten and broken by craven, cowardly people who attack me from a distance. I am still standing and stronger than ever. What is even better is that I am not alone. I have the love and support of my "Amazing People". For the first time in my life I realise that there is strength in support. I always viewed turning to others for help as a weakness. A sign of defeat; of being incapable or unable to cope. That I would be seen as a lesser person, somehow feeling that I was only living up to others expectations. But, that isn't so. I now realise that love and support is a two-way street, that I can give it AND receive it in equal measures.

So...without our 3 day meltdown, I would never have learned this about me. Were I to have a child that isn't autistic I would not have grown as a person. So, once again I find myself at the Autism Altar, giving thanks and lighting a candle for my amazing, incredible beautiful Daisy.