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Sunday, 12 September 2010

It's all about trust....

Trust is a very dangerous thing.

How's that for an opener????
Not bad, if I say so myself.

But, for me, it's true.

I have the most annoying tendancy to trust completely and utterly at the drop of a hat. Always have, regardless of the problems it has caused me and will probably continue to cause me. It's a design flaw that I see in myself and even more obviously in Daisy. She is so innocently a lamb although hopefully not to the slaughter. She sees only the good in people and has never uttered a cynical comment in her life.

I wrote the above text 10 days ago. I never got round to finishing it....but now I find myself in a situation that almost demands that I carry on and see where I end up.

So.....let's talk about trust. Trust is important to me, I don't believe that trust should be earned. I believe that in order to move through life you should trust first and have it broken later! Probably a wonky way of looking at it, but that is me. Can't change that. Oh, yes, my trust in others is constantly challenged, but I feel that it is better to shake something that is already firmly there than disturb the foundations of a new and wobbly building.

Today my trust in someone was rattled to it's very soul.  As usual my absolute trust is in ruins. I don't know if I can rebuild it, I guess it isn't up to me, it is up to the other person to want to show me that they can be trusted. From the ruins of trust can come greater understanding of how a person works, but the ruins can never be completely will never be good as new, no matter how hard you look for all the pieces there is always a bit missing. It may have gone under the sofa or behind the fridge or just be dust in the air,,,but it is missing. Gone. Forever. It is the element of doubt, that broken trust always leaves behind. So maybe my absolute trust is wrong. Too naive...too simplistic....too childlike.....dare I say it; too autistic?

I expect my trust to be poked every now and again, I think it's healthy and keeps things moving and stops people from stagnating. But this is hard to take, broken trust equals hurt and hurt, well,  it hurts. It's really rather odd, now that I sit here at silly o'clock in the morning, trying (badly) to analyse all this, I am not so bothered about the trust as I am about the hurt. The rawness of the feeling, the way the hurt makes me want to hurt right back at those who have made me feel this way. It inevitably makes me think of Daisy. Her need to cause hurt to those who have impeded her progress, her desperate need to lash out and cause isn't so far removed from how I feel now. The cause is different, but the feelings are the same.

So where does this leave me? Apart from surrounded by trust-dust? Well, it leaves me with a burning desire to protect Daisy from absolute trust, to try and instill in her that people can't always BE trusted, that the element of doubt should be there already. Not be the missing piece of broken trust after the thing has shattered into a thousand pieces. Maybe I am wrong to think this way, maybe I am just still too hurt, but I know how fragile Daisy's emotions are and I know that she wouldn't be able to cope with it any better than I am and I am meant to be the grown-up!

I ran once again to my "Amazing People", and once again I was not turned away. Thank you to one very special (and curvy!) know who you are, for the advice and strength that you passed on to me. You are an inspiration to me.

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